Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I was reminded today...

Of something that happened to me not too long ago...
I had been to an electronics store, and as I walked back to the tram, I saw a man, sitting on a fence... He seemed sort of hopeless just sitting there, staring at his dog, which lay next to him in the grass... When I came closer to him I noticed he was crying, or had cried, and I asked him what was wrong with his dog...


He told me that the dog was old... And sick... But sometimes he felt good enough still to take a kind of long walk along the harbor, like he was doing at that time... But now the dog had laid down in the grass, and refused to get up...


He told me that even though he KNEW it was time to do the right thing and say goodbye to his dog... He still had hopes... False ones, he said... But still hopes...


The man said he was not strong enough to carry the dog home... But he had called his girlfriend on his mobile phone to come pick him up...


For some reason, even though I was in a hurry, I stayed with the man... And we both petted and talked to the dog... But all the dog gave in response was that he looked at us... His eyes broken... Tired... Old...


Some time later a car stopped... It was the man's girlfriend, and both crying they lifted the dog onto the backseat...


The man thanked me for stopping... Talking to him... Understanding... But as he was getting in the car I said to him NOT to take the dog to the vet right away... I told him to take it home... To put it in his favorite spot, and wait... Just a few hours if any... Because maybe the dog was ready to say goodbye all by himself, instead of with the help of the vet...


He promised me he would... And I wonder what happened... Because of course I never met the man again...


But today... This morning... I was reminded of this thing...


Because in the bathroom mirror... I saw those same kind of eyes stare back at me...


Broken...


Tired...


Old...


But ready to die???

DEADLINE: November 7th, 2004


Made official yesterday, this is the day I will be leaving the Netherlands AND arriving in America! I find it rather funny that I happened to arrive in the Netherlands on November 8th, 2002 and almost 2 years later, I'm leaving. But, as this day draws near, I am left with a tightness in my stomach that only Valdispert® (a valerian extract) can loosen for a six hour time span.

I can't get motivated .. I put off packing my suitcases .. I'm ever consumed with the fact that I'll be without Richard .. and I dare anybody to tell me I'm making too much of a big deal about it for I'll literally cast whatever curses and spells upon you and everyone around you and damn you to hell in the process!

I've waited what seems like an eternity for this man to enter my life and at 36 years old, he finally did .. he didn't care that I had cancer, he didn't care that because of that cancer I couldn't ever have children, he didn't care that I lived 4,600 miles away from him when we met online, he didn't care that I had my quirks and irritations, he didn't care that I was fat, he didn't care about any of the things that I thought were of importance to a man .. I must admit, he's like no other man I've ever met in my life!

And next to my father, you won't find a finer gentleman .. and I have to let him go on Sunday!

But, as we dwell on the negative, the positive is still there to give us hope! My Mom is paying on my plane ticket home tomorrow afternoon, my friend Laura has asked if I need a ride home which I've accepted, my friend Amy wants to be at the airport to offer support and my Mom will stay with me for a few days while I adjust to life without Ries. Afterwards, I'll be busting my ass to find employment to support myself. Richard has already assured me that he'll send money to suppliment my income. Thank God we lived poor 'cause that will help me survive during this financially low period in my life.

With my being back home, Richard will be living with his Mom once again and can save up money faster since there will be two incomes compared to our one. We'll still be working on getting Richard to the U.S., saving up money to file his application and we did find a joint sponsor to help me along in his sponsorship (thank you Miss Amy, you're a life saver!) and that gives us hope.

Bad things happen in order to appreciate the good ..

But one thing still feels bad .. I'm leaving my dog behind .. she feels what's going on .. she knows something's wrong .. she's my baby .. and as I watch her sleep, her head on my pillow, she fills my heart with love .. and that's my only strength.

Until later, folks ..