DEADLINE: November 7th, 2004

Made official yesterday, this is the day I will be leaving the Netherlands AND arriving in America! I find it rather funny that I happened to arrive in the Netherlands on November 8th, 2002 and almost 2 years later, I'm leaving. But, as this day draws near, I am left with a tightness in my stomach that only Valdispert® (a valerian extract) can loosen for a six hour time span.

I can't get motivated .. I put off packing my suitcases .. I'm ever consumed with the fact that I'll be without Richard .. and I dare anybody to tell me I'm making too much of a big deal about it for I'll literally cast whatever curses and spells upon you and everyone around you and damn you to hell in the process!

I've waited what seems like an eternity for this man to enter my life and at 36 years old, he finally did .. he didn't care that I had cancer, he didn't care that because of that cancer I couldn't ever have children, he didn't care that I lived 4,600 miles away from him when we met online, he didn't care that I had my quirks and irritations, he didn't care that I was fat, he didn't care about any of the things that I thought were of importance to a man .. I must admit, he's like no other man I've ever met in my life!

And next to my father, you won't find a finer gentleman .. and I have to let him go on Sunday!

But, as we dwell on the negative, the positive is still there to give us hope! My Mom is paying on my plane ticket home tomorrow afternoon, my friend Laura has asked if I need a ride home which I've accepted, my friend Amy wants to be at the airport to offer support and my Mom will stay with me for a few days while I adjust to life without Ries. Afterwards, I'll be busting my ass to find employment to support myself. Richard has already assured me that he'll send money to suppliment my income. Thank God we lived poor 'cause that will help me survive during this financially low period in my life.

With my being back home, Richard will be living with his Mom once again and can save up money faster since there will be two incomes compared to our one. We'll still be working on getting Richard to the U.S., saving up money to file his application and we did find a joint sponsor to help me along in his sponsorship (thank you Miss Amy, you're a life saver!) and that gives us hope.

Bad things happen in order to appreciate the good ..

But one thing still feels bad .. I'm leaving my dog behind .. she feels what's going on .. she knows something's wrong .. she's my baby .. and as I watch her sleep, her head on my pillow, she fills my heart with love .. and that's my only strength.

Until later, folks ..